Faced with being shuttled back and forth between their formerly married parents, many children of divorce find the holiday season as something to dread rather than eagerly anticipate.
Adding to the natural stress of navigating the uncharted waters of new step-families and the ever-present tension between their now-divorced parents, these children may face increased feelings of helplessness in the wake of the September 11 terrorist attacks.
Whether divorced parents agree on anything else the rest of the year, they should take great care to find common ground when it comes to offering emotional support and in nurturing their children over the next month, says family lawyer Mike McCurley, a name partner in the Dallas family law boutique of McCurley Kinser McCurley & Nelson and the former president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.
"I often have clients who are perfectly reasonable and conciliatory throughout the year, but who become possessive and unreasonable around the holidays," says McCurley. "I have to remind them that the holidays are a magical time of year for children. Their parents' sniping at each other shouldn't ruin it.
"It is an exceptionally important thing to keep in mind this year in particular," he adds. "Since September 11, the feelings of uncertainty a divorce causes have escalated for children involved. The importance of offering reassurance, security and a measure of stability is incalculable."
McCurley, who in 1998 spearheaded an AAML public awareness campaign aimed at helping the children of divorce, offers the following tips for the holidays:
Set visitation schedules early and adhere to the schedule. Knowing ahead of time, for example, that they'll be spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in different homes helps them to brace emotionally for the upheaval.
Hold onto the traditions that you can. But do not be afraid to start new ones if the old ones conflict with the living arrangements or are too involved for a single spouse to carry out.
Simplify your respective family obligations. Over-scheduling can increase stress on both you and the children.
Be as accommodating as possible to your former spouse's visitation. Help your child shop for your ex and encourage them to be excited about seeing their other parent.
Don't begin a competition with your former spouse on gifts. Not only could it leave you in serious debt after the holidays, but it also overindulges your child, establishing a negative precedent.
Be flexible in your plans, and be prepared for a certain amount of letdown. Don't, however, let on that you're feeling down or anxious about being alone. Holiday blues are inevitable, even for those not going through a divorce. If necessary, lean on other family and friends. Never create an atmosphere where you depend on your children for emotional support. That is the role you fill for them.
More than at any other time of the year, put your children's feelings before your own.
"If I can give clients no more important advice, it's to put themselves in their children's shoes," McCurley says. "No one will ever say that being divorced at the holidays isn't tough. But adults have at least a measure of control over their situation that children don't. So we, as the adults, have to make sure we do what we can to make the holidays bearable for our kids.
"They've already been forced to watch their family be torn apart," he says. "The holiday season should be a chance for them to forget that as much as possible. It needs to be a time for them to feel they are safe among the people they love and who love them."